When anyone hurts us, my wife ...

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.
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 Red Skelton

Quotes from the same author

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
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 Red Skelton
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap
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 Red Skelton
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
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 Red Skelton
I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling. . . .
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 Red Skelton
I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
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 Red Skelton