Quotes Woody Allen
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I took a speed-reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Men would make love with any number of women ... even total strangers, while females were selective. They were catering to the demands of one small egg. While males had millions of frantic sperms screaming: "Let us out, let us out!".
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
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When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
