Quotes Joan Rivers
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.
My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
