Quotes George Carlin - page 7
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
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It's never just a game when you're winning.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time.
