Quotes David Letterman - page 3
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It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it's not covered by Obamacare.
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.
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Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
Here's a woman, a real pioneer for other women looking for careers in stand-up comedy. And talk about guts - she would come out here and sit in this chair and say some things that were unbelievable - where you would have to swallow pretty hard... but it was hilarious... the force of her comedy was overpowering.
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I spend most of my free time under the house.
