On My Last-Place Finish in ...

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.
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 Justin Halpern

Quotes from the same author

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.
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 Justin Halpern
Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.
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 Justin Halpern
On My First Driving Lesson First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.
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 Justin Halpern
People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.
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 Justin Halpern