I wanted to make sure that my ...

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
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 Kristen Schaal

Quotes from the same author

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
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 Kristen Schaal
I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.
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 Kristen Schaal
Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.
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 Kristen Schaal
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
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 Kristen Schaal