I'm sorry to inform you that ...

I'm sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory. Luckily your lifetime warranty on your heart is still in effect. Of course, that becomes void and expires when you do.
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 Kin Hubbard

Quotes from the same author

You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
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 Kin Hubbard
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
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 Kin Hubbard
The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.
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 Kin Hubbard
Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.
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 Kin Hubbard
If there's any literary ability in a feller, getting fired out of a good government job will bring it out.
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 Kin Hubbard