But truly, women are amazing. ...

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.
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 Jim Gaffigan

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Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.
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 Jim Gaffigan
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.
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 Jim Gaffigan
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy.
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 Jim Gaffigan
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July.  And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up.  It's what the founding fathers would want.
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 Jim Gaffigan
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
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 Jim Gaffigan