A man came round in hospital ...

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms
 Tommy Cooper

Quotes from the same author

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
 Tommy Cooper
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
 Tommy Cooper
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
 Tommy Cooper
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
 Tommy Cooper
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
 Tommy Cooper